Home
   
09:00am 14/04/2005
 
mood: annoyed
music: A static Lulaby
This week has been
a fucking BLAH completly
I just want it to be over
so I can see amy
and maybe heather
and see hawthorne heights
and fucking SLEEP IN
arg.
I fucking found out
yesturday
okay
my boyfriend.jake.
goes to north..
I go to Central..
amy..alex..the girl..well so does the guy heh..
okay
pretty much EVERYONE
goes to North
but me
sean
andy
brad
blair
steven
sara
katie
and alot
more people
go to central
but
THATS NOT THE POINT
hehe..ANYWHO
so I found out yesturday
that alex.the girl
has been “all over”
jake
and i guess
jake
has been
"all over"
her also.
..what..
...the...
....fuck....
I’m bout to choke a bitch
hah
but I guess she just realised
he looks EXACTLY
like travis from Blink 182
and she thinks he’s sexy now
okay
not cool
amy yelled at her and him yesturday.
But I havnt talked
to either of them
yet
but what
really
FUCKING
pisses me off
is when KORTNEY
was all over STEVE
..when alex liked him..alot
they WERENT EVEN GOING OUT..
but I guess when you kiss a guy
and you THINK they like you
it MUST mean
you have some sort of
"DIBS" on him..
haha
I learned a LONG time ago
JUST BECAUSE
a guy decides to fucking
make out with you
a couple times.
dont mean SHIT to them..
and it CERTAINLY
doesnt mean
they wanna date you
unless its some
un-experianced
"nice guy"
that wants a "real relationship"
hahahahahaha
like that will ever happen in THIS centary..
but ANYWHO..back to the point
well alex fucking went SYCO when kortney was all over steve when alex liked steve..
and thinks "he's hers"
and no one can touch him
since they made out
so they have some sort
of connection
or some shit..
but NOw
she fucking
tries to flirt and be "all over"
MY BOYFRIEND
around like 50 people at her school
who know
me and him are going out
and EXPECTS me NOT to find out
and THEN expects me NOT to be pist off
yeah
RIGHT
god fucking
damn
BITCHES
people needa
start learning
how to be
A FRIEND
SERIOUSLY
I'm seriously tired
of getting
fucked over
by one
of my SO CALLED "friends"


but I'm not sure
whats going to happen
now
but I'm thinking
there's going
to be a major
breakup
soon
*tear*
but jakes
a fucking
asshole
to amy
and the last guy
I dated
that was a jerk
to amy
I fucking
dumped his ass
and I'll do it
again
you gotta
like
or atleast ACT like you like
my best friend
in order to be with me
haha
seriously..
im not gonna take
that shit

guys arent
fucking worth it
anyway
my friends
are always going
to be first
anyway
well
amy will be
heh
all my other friends
fucking
screw me over
every
other
fucking
day

what did i ever do?

seriously..

I try
so hard
to keep things
going okay
and SOMEONE
always
fucking
screws me over

amy never has
and never will
screw me over
I know she wont
because
I TRUST HER
thats what a fucking
FRIENDSHIP
is suposed to be like
TRUST..right?

or is that NOT the meaning of
friendship anymore..now days..

everything
seems
so fucking
fake
to me now
its like
I'm
in my own
little world
with all these
pictures
painted around me
all these people painted
exactly
what it's suposed to be
so FUCKING FAKE

I feel like
I dont know anything
anymore
nor ANYONE..


I dont know..
fuck

gboanoBOGABGAnoganoga


PS

I made a new journal

I dont like this anymore?

EmotionlSuicide

add it<3		  
     Post
 
I'll Be Just Fine, Pretending Im Not   
08:52am 11/04/2005
 
mood: cold
music: hidden within plain view
okay so this weekend felt so fucking BLAH..I feel like I’m acting like I once did. about a year ago. and it doesnt feel right at all.. I’m doing the things I used to. and I once thought it was okay to? but now. that I finally realised just how much of a mistake I’v made. I feel like complete fucking FUCKING SHIT!
BLAH
the only thing I actually liked about this WHOLE fucking weekend
was when I went to andys
I got cigs on friday
and saw jake
I didnt even see amy
at all
I dont EVER feel liike I had a good weeekend
unless I see her
damnit
it’s been like a month and a half
since I got real fucked up
with my own shit..
and Im feeling volnerable
..i think i spelled that wrong..
but Im feeling like
once again
I need to to be happy
and theres only one thing that could psssibly help
I fucking hope next weeekend will be better than this one
yeahh..i gotta go

i’ll update more later		  
     Read 3 - Post
 
fucking tired   
07:46pm 10/04/2005
 
mood: exhausted
music: Hidden in plain view
=this weekend was gay
=i went to andys on friday
=that was okay
=i saw jake,so that was cool?
=um amanda stayed the night
=yeah.
=saturday i went to amandas
=got sunburnt
=cause we walked around everywhere
=it was really hott + sunny
=it sucked
=blah
=today
=im at andys
=and im tired as fuck
=about to pass out
=holy fuck
=wow
=next weekend i HOPE amy's ungrounded
=i wanna see her
=and i wanna see Derek
=and heather..but that PROBABLY.wont even happen

im bout to go pass out?

</3		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
Pull the triggar and the nightmare stops...   
12:36am 08/04/2005
 
mood: clean.just took shower hehe
music: disney channel?
its fucking like.erm.1am
I'm watching the disney channel
waiting for my fucking clothes to be done
in the dryer?
blah
I have NO ..SET..plans for this weekend
so basically
I'll do anything with anyone who asks?
I'll prolly go to andys tomarrow
maybe alex's on saturday..unless heather tells me otherwise
im not sure if she's coming to pickerington or not
i want her to like crap
i feel as though i owe her something?
i dont know?
my heart?
so i went thrifting today
i got like 10 pieces of clothes
for like.8 bucks.
yeah.i know.i rock!
so im depressed
i have 4 cigarettes left
and no money
atleast not to buy cigs
i dont know
im telling myself im gonna quit
wen i finish this pack
i dont know
i hate it
but i love it?
AH
shoot me?

heather..i need to fucking talk to u damnit..arg.about friday/saturday!

<X3		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
With // My Foot // On // Your Neck // I Finally // Have You // Right // Where // I Want// You   
05:51pm 06/04/2005
 
mood: sleepy
music: Used-Buried Myself Alive
heh. today sucked ass¿?
[went to school]
[came home?]
[smoked a cigarET]
[dad picked me up]
[went to polaris]
[took back my hawthorne heights shirt. Too big]
[got another shirt]
[ate]
[came home]
[played guitar]
[practiced Cut Up Angels by THE USED]
[got online]
okay.BORING right?
yeah
I know
[[HAVE a FUCKING HEAD ACHE]]
blah
cant wait till the weeks fucking over
arg : /
um gonna see if i can go to SnG with Blair.
she just got off house arrest
hecks yeah
but her mom's like syco?
ah
got my money back
hecks yeah
now i can get the good shit
yeah
thank God for that
so anyWHO
I'm boring MYSELF from writing like this

<X3		  
     Read 2 - Post
 
I'm.So.Far.Gone.Now.I.Been.Running.On.Empty   
08:32am 05/04/2005
 
mood: amused
so I’m at school again.Im fucking bored so I’m gonna write in here. cause I have nothing better to do?? YEAH okay umm yesturday I walked home with amanda. um we got a ride back to my house? we went to drug mart, then back to my house, my fucking mom made us clean up the yard(pick up huge fucking piles of sticks/big fucking logs. and bring them over on the driveway so they dont “kill the grass”) I got fucking cuts all up in down me..BITCH..ahh oh well..after that her and my step dad were in a good mood the rest of the night..and let me do whatever..soo I guess hard work pays off? and my stepdad.chuck.is paying me..thank fucking god..i need more money..by friday..i only have 25$ now..but im a fucking dumbass and left it at my dads with my pants..so my dad found my pants..and foud the money..he’s a little suspicious...but i dont think he cares that much..well i hope not..im going over there tomarrow..i hope he doesnt gimmie a big “talk” and gets me to tell him that I actually stole it from my grandma..cuz i did..yeah im a bitch..but I was desperate?...I’ll pay her back someday. haha..wow..i feel bad? but oh well..I NEED SOME FUCKING WEED..ahhh..no one wants me to do acid though? everyone said they would kick my ass if i did..but I’ve always wanted to..and I mean whats so fucking bad about doing it ONCE..there’s always a first for everything...I only live once right? but I just hope no one fucking hates me after I do it..cuz I AM doing it haha...yeahh and im only saying this cuz NO ONE fucking reads my livjournal..besides um heather and maybe one other person..but yeah..so im pretty much just telling everything. to myself? YES!..haha but anyways..i cant wait to see heather..i feel really bad for being a bitch to her wen my mom saw her...I really liked her alot..and i thought she didnt care about me.. but she fucking told me she used to like me. and now that i “talked shit” which i didnt want to. but my heart was broken:( ahh im so sad now..blah..I dont know. maybe things will get better? even though wenever i say that they ALWAYS get worse!..fuck it..but yeah im goin to andys again today..and thrifting with my mom? haha i need more clothes..and they just made a nw thrift store by my house..i got cigs yesturday..thank god for chris..haha..well i gotta go the fucking beell just rang..i’ll update more later?

<33		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
at School?   
08:53am 04/04/2005
 
mood: cranky
so im in school right now.bored out of my mind..blah this sucks. so this week..besides the fact that on wednesday i had to go to my dads for the rest of spring break, went pretty well...i saw amy and jake and amanda and sean and andy and heather...all the important people?..haha i saw alot more people..but yeah..anywho...so this is the first day back to school from spring break? it fucking sucks..i dont want to be at school AT ALL right now..but oh welll...im pretty much just looking forward to the weekend..me n heather have “stuff” planned haha..im so fucking excited..this shall be fun...like old days?? heh.. yeah i know..but im not sure what im doing on friday..well im sure im gonna go to andys with amanda..and amanda will stay the night..and chris and his friend andy..and maybe john will sneak over?..yeah..thats my prediction for friday..because im phsyicic? haha NO it’s cuz i pretty much do the SAME THING every weekend..which isnt bad cuz its fucking fun EVERY WEEKEND...haha andys house is always so unpredictable? its AWSOME..but Im looking to get pretty fucked up this weekend..and see jake? maybe break up with him? im not sure though yet..some people hate him..some people like him..and dont want me to dump him...but i duno..i dont really like him that much..I guess hooking up with him BEFORE we even date..wen i barely knew him..WHILE he had a GIRLFRIND..wasnt the best idea..now I feel like..weird..haha..I dont wanna boyfriend really..andys house was so much more fun wen i didnt have to worry about having a boyfriend? yeahhh..but i dont know?

blah..ummm yeah then on saturday go to andys again? and SEE HEATHER...YES...that will be my night? I’M HOPING..dear GOD IM HOPING hahha..i havnt gotten fucked up for like 2 or 3 weeks..okay maybe like a week n a half..but that was andrew's shit..and i hardly got any..this weekend im gettin MY OWN SHIT! i am gonna be FUCKED UP haha..i cant fucking wait..wow

mmk thats all for now..im bored?		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
Slit+Your+Wrists+To+Look+Like+Mine   
11:42pm 31/03/2005
 
mood: blank
music: Hawthorne heights
_Your Life______
they call me: Monica grace
sex: Girl
my first breath of air: time or date?
status: not single
best friends: AMY, HEATHER, AMANDA, SEAN
_______Rewind_______
most memorable memory: almost dying on new years eve going into 2004 with kort, amy and jen
worst? same^
first word uttered? to hell if i know
first best friend ever!? Heather Terry
_______Love?_______
love is: Fake
first love: Never
love or lust? It's al Lust
is it possible to be in love w/ more than one person at the same time: NO
is there such thing as love at first sight?: maybe LUST at first sight
are you in love right now?: with heather? YES
_______Opposite Sex_______
turn ons: Hair. experiance. knowledge. style.
do your parent's opinion on your bf/gf matter to you.? Somewhat
what kinda hair style?: black..any darkness..emo style
the sweetest thing a member of the opposite sex can do?: Think with their heads and not their penis?
where do you go to meet new people?: ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE
are you the type of person to HOLLER and ask for numbers?: depends on my mood..most of the time.YES
_______Picky Picky_______
dog or cat: KITTEN
short or long hair: in between
sunshine or rain:Both
moon or sun:Moon
1 best friend or 10 acquaintances: one Best Friend
written letters or e-mails: Written letters
play station or nintendo: ick
car or motorcycle: Car
house party or club: House party
sing or dance: BOTH!
______Lately_______
how are you today? EMOish
what pants are you wearing right now?: pj pants
what shirt are you wearing right now?: black cami
what does your hair look like at the moment?: Blonde/red/purpleISH
what song are u listening to right now?: Ohio is for Lovers BY Hawthorne Heights
how is the weather right now?: Its dark
last person you talked to on the phone?: My mom
last dream you can remember?: um i forget
who are you talking to right now?: no one
what time is it? 12:11am
_______More About YOU!_______
what are the last four digits of your phone number?: 0784
if u were a crayon, what color would you be?: Black
have you ever almost died?: many times
have u ever won any special award?: in 5th grade
what's the stupidest thing u have ever done?:let people in..i just get fucked over
how many kids do you want to have?: none..im adopting if any
son's name?: I dont know..
daughter's name?: Cameron
shampoo?: Panteen PRO V-herbal escenses
what are you most scared of?: death..friends death
how many TV's do you have in your house?: 2 i think?..one at my dads
do you have your own TV?: nope..dont want one
have you ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone?: nope
who do you dream about?: I nver know..depends
who do you tell your dreams to?: my mom? amy?
is cheerleading a sport?: on some aspects. YES. otherwise its just a pornstar performance if u ask me
how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?: alot..
_______You And Love_______
do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend?: I Have A boyfriend
where would you like to go on your honeymoon?: England
do you find yourself attractive?: sometimes
do others find you attractive?: thats what some people tell me...its prolly lies
____Kissing Survey_____
I have kissed someone:
on the cheek. yes
on the lips. yes
on their hands or fingers. yes
in my room. yes
in their room. yes
of the same sex. yea
of the opposite sex. yes
younger than me. yes
older than me. yes
with jet black hair. yes
with curly hair. probably
with blonde hair & blue eyes. yes
with flaming red hair. dont think so
with straight hair. yes
smaller/shorter than me. yes
bigger/taller than me. yes
with a lip ring. yes
who was drunk. yes
who was high. yes
who I had just met. yes
who was homosexual. yes
who I didn't really want to kiss. yes
on a holiday. yes
who was going out with someone else. yes
who was going out with someone close to me. yes
who was my good friend's brother or sister. yes
who had been/is in jail. yes
in a graveyard. no
at a show/concert. yes
at the beach. no
in a pool, jacuzzi, or some type of water. yes
who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with. yes
with dyed hair. yes
with a shaved head. No
who was/is my good friend. yes
who was/is in a band. yes
who has tattoos. yes
who is of a completely different race than me. yes
in the rain. yes
in another continent besides where I was born. no
with an accent. yes
with an std. no
on a boat.no
in a car/taxi/bus. yes
on a plane.no
at the circus/carnival. yes
with a missing body part. no
in the movies. yes
eskimo style. yes		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
rest asure I'm moving on, I miss you less, with each day you're gone..you're gone..   
04:11pm 27/03/2005
 
mood: mellow
music: story of the year
went to andy's band's show on friday!..[andy,andrew,travis,steve,a ron, and ryan all did soooo awsome!..they were so great..ahhh heh..i saw heather there..didnt talk to her that much..i had my own friends..and she had um kelli?/././oh well though. I had to realize eventually that we're not really, truley "friends" anymore, not that we ever were? but yeah. my mom saw her there cuz heathers a dumbass and stands outside and smokes a cig after I tell her my moms here..she doesnt give a shit less about me..or ever being aloud to see me again..soo why the hell should i?/././Well i'm gonna stop fucking caring..i dont care anymore..she can just go be with her "friends" while im with mine..its all good.. I hate fucking sneaking around all the time. so IM completly and utterly DONE..YEAH anywho..today is easter. HAPPY EASTER!..hehmy family is here..its kinda fun.. amy and sean just came over to say hi to me cuz they were at andys..shows who my true friends are huh? heh YEAH but im bout to go over there anyways..after my fam leaves n everything:)..yipee..so im dating jake now..he's really cute..he looks almost exactly like steve except he has spiky hair..he's like steves best friend..its all goood..heh but yeah..and he's exactly like me in a lot of ways..which is cool. but yeah I' get to see him tomarrow. im looking forward to it:) he also hates the living crap outta kortney like me (secretly) except he tells it to her face, which is quite funny heh.. but yeah. thats another really good thing, so i dont have to worry about that. someone finalyl saw the true kortney.. yessss. hah welp I think im gonna be getting my cell fone this coming up weekend. soo im pretty happy about that also:). but I gotta go entertain the little people. then go to andys and be with my lovers:)
  
     Read 1 - Post
 
boys make tears. boys make blood   
08:09pm 13/03/2005
 
mood: cold
music: Theused-im a fake
okay..long weekend..went to andys on friday..he got hit by a car(by:geoff storbeck)..what fuckhead..he's gonna die..i promise you..haha but yeah..i saw heather:)..big yays..and alot of other people..it was alot of funnn..i cant wait till next weekend!!!!...soo i kinda like cord(this guy that is sooo hott and goes to my school!)...i think he likes me..but i dont know if i should ask him out..cuz we're pretty good friends..and i dunno wut that would do..but i also like this other guy..whos really hott..heh(brandon)..mmm he turns me on sooo much heh..he came over today..and umm..dirty dirty shit went on;)..heh j/k(not really)..but i hope he's not like every other guy..but he's def. the best kisser i think..and umm yeah..haha..(well except for heather)..haha shes a pretty good kisser;)..haha..i love it!!..anyways...soo this weekend went pretty well besides the few fags who have to act like theyre 5..lol welp..im thinkin same plans for next weekend..or atleast friday..i wanna see heather again..and amy..and amanda since we're finally aloud to hang out!!!...and i better Fing see brandon again!!:)..mmhmm..welp im off to bed:)		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
Love is not like anything, especually a fucking knife   
08:26am 10/03/2005
 
mood: pleased
okay so im def. in a better mood today than yesturday..My mom said I get to be ungrounded..sooo I’m going to andys on friday..she even said she would give him another chance..and not hate him anymore..hah so i get to go to his house now!! yipee...haha sean is coming home with me on friday..maybe stephen too..prolly...but they’re coming with me to andys 2...and amys coming too...and SO is heather!!!!!! im soooo happy holy crap..I get to see all my favorate people!!!! yay!!!....lol..then im staying with amy..umm poppin some pills haha..finish the rest of the cough cough...weeeeeddd....THEN im done with it..lol I sware!!!....i hope i get to see brandon this weekend...lol there’s no way I wont..ahh i miss him soooo much...aand yeah..ummm thats all the update for now..i gotta get off b4 the bell rings....love you all...especually heather:)		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
I'm without a doubt, I need out, of this evil route, so let me shout   
08:36am 07/03/2005
 
mood: hyper
music: nothing
okay so this is the only thing I could get on at school, and I’m bored..soo i’m gonna write in here..cuz I have nothing else to do!..kay? OKAY!!
anyways..soooo this weekend?...hmmm welp I CAN say that I’ve accomplished many things lol...and realized a bunch..soo I’m most deffinatley in love with on of my best friends (heather)...not sure what to think abou it...oh well..it would never work out..we’re not even aloud to see eachother..gerrr..but anywho..soo friday...okay so I’m drawing a black on what I did...OH YEAH...okay So I went to target and easton and umm some resturrant with my cuzin..it was pretty fun I would say..I mean atleast I got out of the house??..but yeah I really wanna live wth my dad..but dont at the same time..well number one..i’m suposed to be grounded..well my mom grounded me for weed n cigs...and my dad knows about it..and he’s always doing whatever my mom says..but he NEVER grounds me when my mom does...its awsome..lol but yeah..plus he doesnt really care that I smoke anyways..and i would be closer to heather:)..and he’d prolly get over that anyway...but amy is in pickerington..haha thats really the ONLY reason I like being there..and thats enough to keep me from going to live with my dad..cuz i cant stand not being able to see her:(..but I mean...living with my mom isnt THAT bad..I just have to stop getting caught with shit..I needa start thinking..alot more..seriously..lol..but yeah..umm I came home on friday..and hung out with my friend bobby who lives next door for a while..cuz he was back for the weekend..and i havnt seen him FOREVER..and i missed him like fucking crazy..lol ...cuz hwe used to be good friends..then he went off to college:(..so i never see him anymore..booo..but anyways..sso that was friday night..(i woulda tripped..since i was by myself..but i friggin forgot my stuff at my moms..ahh so i hadda be all alone AND SOBER hheehe)..but yeah..that night me and geoff made up online..he IMed me and yeah.. guess we’re “friends” now??...who really knows..I sure dont..but yeah..soo on saturday I went to the battle of the bands with my cuzin..and met geoff there..and heather was suposed to go..but couldnt cuz her dad wouldnt let her out..soo me and geoff decided to go see her cuz I havnt seen her for like ..i dunno..a really long time..prolly 6 or 7 months..soo we go pick her up..cuz the show was lame..and we were bord..and ahhhhh I saw her..and flipped out..for about 20 min hahaha.it was awsome..but her dad ended up letting her and her sister out..thank god..soo we al wnt driving around for awhile..and there wasnt anywhere to go..soo we decided to go back to the show..and messed around..being crazy for awhile..then went out n smoked a cig..then went back in..then went out again..haha about 10 times..but Im not sure how I feel about geoff now..I kinda had mixed feelings..I dunno..its like. I kinda just wana be friends with him..even though I know it’s gonna be hard..maybe impossible..but I cant stand it wen I see him with another girl..even heather..I just hate it..lol I wanna shoot the girl in her head(not heather)..but yeah..I dunno..ahh I’m going crazy..especually sense I think I may have feelings towards heather to..once that uhh I never felt b4 heh..lol daaamn I’m going crazy..I needa slap in the face?? ..but I reallly hope I get to se her this weekend..I miss her soo much already..lol..and geoff..but I wana see amy to..sooo much..and alex kinda..but FIRST I have to get ungrounded hahahaha...wow..now thats gonna take some effort..then we’ll work on the plans:)...but about brandon..hmmm..I dont really think its gonna work out with me and him..atleast nothing seirous..i mean..he’s like wayy preppy..hott..but too preppy for me..I feel like sucha fucking freak when I’m with him..I dunno..he’s really sweet though..and told me he wants to be more than friends?..not sure wut to do about that either..ahhhhhh...I took 3 adderols this morning..cuz I skipped it over the weekend..soo I had extras..that way my mom wont know..haha soo I’m a little hyper:(..ahh..soo i’m gonna go now..before the bell rings..

haha WOW i wrote ALOT..sorry about that..whoever decides to read all of this..haha..prolly no one??

anyways

bye for now

<33 Heather, amy, geoff, alex<333333333....<thats alot of love haha to my closest lovers:)...oh and <33 sarah, and amanda<33		  
     Read 2 - Post
 
LAST ENTRY!!! MUAHAHAHA   
12:54am 05/03/2005
 
mood: awake
music: The used!!!!<333
OKAY..SO LIVEJOURNAL SUCKS..AND YEAH..SOO IM GONNA STICK TO XANGA!! (I_cant_sleep_tonight) but anywho..okay bye bye

peace love and umm Fakeness!?		  
     Post
 
give me a reason to live, because Im tired of finding excuses   
12:45am 03/03/2005
 
mood: indescribable
music: korn-right now..good fucking song
haha ANYWAYS..so this week as sucked..umm MAJOR FUCKING ASS..wow..i wont bore you with details..but basically..my mom found my cigs again..she fucking gets soo syco(i know i spelled that rong) on fucking cigs..OMFG its not the end of the world..anywho..so yesturday night (wen it was like a blizzard out)..she made me sit outside and smoke a whole fucking pack of cigs in like 30 min so i would get sick and maybe "decide theyre not worth it"..haha yeahh right bitch..wow i hate her..anywho..so today we had a snow day..and my fucking brother kept hanging up on amy..cuz i wanted to do something with her/andy/alex...WHOEVER..i just needed to get out..soo me n my broter got in this HUMUNGO fight..and he starts fucking going syco person on me..hitting and kicking and holy crap..and then he fucking runs and gets a knife like a fucking niggrr..hah so he runs at me with the knife..so i hit him in his head with the fone..so he stabs my arm with the knife..so then amy hears everything..and runs over and picks me up with andy and couple other dudes..and so they rescue me(thank fucking god)..so i go over there..and about 20-30 min later..my fucking mom comes and gets me..and trys to blame the whole fucking thing on me..holy shit..i was about to fucking run away..but then all this shit happend..and everyone ended up crying and it was a mess..blahhh..soo yeah i dont really know whats going on..i dont know..soo i go to my dads..cuz i have a guitar lesson..and wen i get home..i get online.and sure enough..after the worst fucking day ever..geoff (MY BOYFRIEND)..IM's me..but nooo its not geoff..its HEATHER IMing me..and shes AT GEOFFS(MY BOYFRIENDS HOUSE)..soo yeah..the girl..my formar best friend..who i can trust as far as i can throw her...the biggest fucking flirt i know..who used to like my boyfriend...vice versa..is AT my fucking boyfriends house..alone..doing GOD KNOWS WUT..wow..hmm THATS A WAY TO END THE NIGHT AYE??...I THINK FUCKING NOT..wow..i realy dont know what to do about anything anymore...i feel i have no one..i dont even feel like even amy is there anymore..she has her own people now..brandon..i dont even know..i havnt gotten to talk or see him for a couple days..my fucking family fucking hates me..who the fuck do i have now??

yeah..no one		  
     Post
 
a poem for HiM   
01:32pm 17/02/2005
 
mood: lonely
music: Skillet
so not much happend today..yesturday I talked to Geoff..it went pretty good i guess..i got to think about alot of things last night..while watching SAW..holy shit that movie was sooooooo scarry..it took me about 4 hours to fall asleep hah..damn a fag..heh..but anywho..today I wrote a poem..its about a certain SOMEoNE..yes

A poem for you
A poem for you, my love

I shed tears of joy
when I look into your eyes
I pray every night
that one day we shall be alright
When I can call you mine once again

I can't stand this feeling
like a deep hole
seaping through my heart
capturing every inch

When I'm with you
You fill the emptyness
in my heart
with your love
with your touch
just being you
Geoff..
I want, so bad
to be with you
forever, until the day I die

I never believed miracles were true
But I know God sent me one
My miracle was you

Every last breath I have
I wanna share with you
Every last tear
I wanna shed with you
Every last kiss
I wanna lay on you

You make me wonder
How lucky I am
But lucky is in your sight
I call it RIght

Every day I'm not with you
I miss you more and more
I just wanna be in your arms once again
so I can melt away the tears that I shed
You're just what I'm looking for
you're everything and more

I wanna say I love you
But i'm sorry, I can't
for I wanna be certain
Because to me, baby
love is everything
And when I know, I'll tell you

You'll know it's true
Because when that day comes
I'll be sure
that I love You


Yippee...thats all folks

heh

yesh.. i <3 Geoff! :)		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
at school, deffinate BLAH   
08:24am 15/02/2005
 
mood: depressed
music: early november
so I havn't written in here for a while..i figured I would since I have nothing else to do..and it wont let me on xanga at my school..blah..soo i'm in computer graphics right now..its really boring at the moment..arg:(..so yesturday was valentines day?..it sucked soo much..on saturday my mom found my "stash"..and yeah..im grounded for 2 monthss..i migt be able to get outta it pretty soon..but who knows...so I couldnt do anyhting yesturday besides go to the gym with my friggin family..yeah..how depressing..well whats MORE depressing is I prolly would still be at home doing nothing anyway even if I wasn't grounded cuz no one loves me..the person I do love (besides amy) ..loves someone else?...how friggin sad..wow..my life friggin sucks..im done with it i would say?..I wish I oculd just go back in time to the last 2 years..and do EVERYTHING different..i always wonder how much better my life could be right now..I dunno..I just realy feel like a piece of shit who no one friggin cares about..I mean..I think I show geoff how much I realy do care about him..atleast more than anyone else..for the first time i thought we were doing okay for once..and I was soo happy when I saw him on thursday..after begging my mom to take me over to his house..or his birthday..and I thought it was a good night..but then I find out I am rong the very next day...I found out that he's been trying to hook up with this other girl..who I dont praticulary like..well i did..until now..I gues i cant really trust anyone..but yeah..he told her he would dump me for her n shit..and he loved her! omfg..he doesnt even fucking know what loves fucking means..he fucking makes it seem like its just a fucking word..wow..he's 2 fucking years older than me..and I feel like he's so much younger than me..he never fucking acts like he should be for his age..well niether do most guys..and i've learned to accept that..but geoff..i thought he was different..and I learnd he isn't..he's seiously just like every other fucking guy..a fucking liar who doesn't give a shit about anything but getting his way..and what he wants..which isn't me..because I dont give him what he REALLY wants..im done doing that shit..done giving guys what they want..done being used..done with it all..im so fucking pissed off right now..and I wanna fucking curl up in a corner and die..i have no fuckin reason anymore..no reason to be in this God forsaken life..im a piece of shit..no more to it..
give me a needle,give me a knife..so I can give you what you want, and take my own life...		  
     Post
 
   
07:46am 27/01/2005
  wowzers  
     Post
 
tired   
11:09pm 15/10/2004
 
mood: tired
music: seether/amy lee-broken
im tired...its friday night
tomarrow Im goin to the haunted hoochie with josh, amy, me, geoff...it should b fun...

well i'll get back to u soon!..

PEACE		  
     Post
 
boooooobs   
07:29pm 07/10/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: manson
hmm i dont know what thats about^^ dont ask!! haha....yea soo umm im really confused...there's a couple guys who "like" me or whatever...and I like a couple guys...well i mean I LOVE geoff...but i LIKE a couple other guys..most of em go to my school...but geoff doesnt...so that sux..but I DONT KNOW...im too young for this stuff lol...yea..soo much drama...blah..but yea...im going to my daddys this weekend...well tomarrow im going to the haunted hoochie tomarrow night..then saturday im goin to my daddys!...pretty sure amys going with me...but hey, I NEVER no..Im always the one tryin to work stuff out..but WHATEVER!..I really really hope i get to see geoff this weekend..havnt seen him for like 2 weeks!..:(..i miss him...I think he's really mad at me now..for some reason...I think i may no..kinda a long story..dont feel like writin it all...but yea..im really sad right now..I jus need someone to care..I dont even think my best friend cares...I need someone to talk to
:(...nobody cares..i'll just keep it inside...be invisable!...o well...life sucks...FUCK IT..FUCK IT ALL!		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
umm im with amy   
08:10pm 02/10/2004
 
mood: hyper
music: smile empty soul
yea Im chilling with amy right now!!!...we're having a hella time! haha its fun...yea we had a fun night sorta...NOT REALLY but KINDA...we hung out with scott and andy for a while then we walked around for a while by ourselves;)..lol yea...umm tehn we went n got a movie and now we're gonna go wwatch it!!...ok BYE BYE		  
     Post
 
 
xshot2deathx
 
 
skip  
 
 

Advertisement